“We’ve been tracking this individual for some time using our new expensive taxpayer-funded drones and segways and today we can finally let the people of Wheeling know we took Jesus Christ off the streets,” said Wheeling’s Chief of Police. “We hope this sends a clear message that if you come into our city and think for a second you can help the poor, you’re dead wrong. In fact, we’ll borderline nail you to the cross for it.”
“This is the type of filth we cannot allow here in our Friendly City,” said one city council member. “We are trying to make Wheeling only open and friendly to those who can afford our new expensive apartments in our war torn streets.”
An amended ordinance to ban camping on public property within city limits was passed by a majority vote from members of city council on Nov. 7.
For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,” said Christ.
“Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head,” said Christ. “Whoever oppresses a poor man insults his Maker, but he who is generous to the needy honors him.”
With the new ban comes new punishment. According to authorities, Christ will be nailed to a cross for his sins and paraded in the Wheeling Christmas Parade which is set to take place just after 6 p.m. on Nov. 17. For those unable to make the parade, you’ll be able to watch it live on WTRF’s CBS station!
