Hello Ohio Valley! Bob Herron here—City Manager of Wheeling, West Virginia and I’m here to share with you tips and tricks I use to avoid getting caught driving while under the influence in the city of Wheeling.
First and foremost, being well-connected in this area will help out big time! I can’t stress this enough. At the end of the day, it’s all about who you know and having a good attorney. So let’s say you’re not well-connected yet and don’t work for the city. The following tips and tricks will still help you avoid arrest when you’re driving drunk in the Wheeling area.
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- Don’t hit a van full of people. This is a big mistake. Trust me. The less property damage you do on your drive back to your office or home will lessen the chances of running into authorities.
- So let’s say you just hit a van, or car or whatever. Now what? Don’t leave the scene because that will only make matters worse. Wait until the police arrive and tell them how important of a person you are. Impress them with your high authority and see if it they let you go after you committed multiple crimes.
- OK so the police officer is being a dick and won’t let you just drive home drunk after wrecking into a vehicle full of students. Well there’s still hope. Now threaten the police officers with their jobs. Show your authority to them and talk down to them for doing their job.
- Well now the police have you outside and you’re about to conduct a sobriety test. Just don’t do it. When the cops ask you why you’re not participating in their games, you tell them your legs don’t work. When they ask if you’ve ever been diagnosed with something that could affect your legs, make up an illness you don’t actually have that affects millions of Americans ever year. My go to is multiple sclerosis. It’s an easy disease to get away with because it has so many different symptoms that could affect you.
- Now you notice the police are suspicious that you may be drunk. Piss yourself. Chances are they may not want to touch you after you soil yourself. If that doesn’t work, tell the officers you can’t believe they’re doing this to you. Tell them you will never forget this. Make them feel bad for what they’re doing.
- So now you’re in the back of the cop car but there’s still hope. Tell the officers you can’t go to jail because your son works there.
- So the cops ignored the fact that your son works at Northern Regional Jail. Let them know there’s no damage to the van full of athletes and continue to guilt trip the officers for arresting you.
- Drop the Lord’s name in vein. Follow it up with a “Jiminy Christmas.”
- Act confused and ask what a .3 is. Act like you have no idea what AVB is. Tell the officer to help you out again.
- So you got arrested and booked and your mugshot is out there. There’s still hope. All you need to do now is get a job working for the city of Wheeling like I have. You won’t lose your job like any other normal city in the United States or private employer for that matter.
Well that’s it! I hope this helps others who may find themselves in a similar situation I had in March.
