A new position has been awarded in the Friendly City. After beating out several council members, Bob Herron was picked as the new town executioner.
“It’s an honor!” exclaimed Herron. “Something I’ve aspired to my whole career. I promise to do my civil duty and be a loyal executioner and public servant.”
According to sources within local government, there was fierce competition for the new position. Council members Seidler, Sklavounakis, and Palmer took the loss with grace, however.
“I was really hoping to turn my sociopathic tendencies into a career,” said Ward 2 representative Ben Seidler, “But I guess I can do that in politics in general. Still, would have been fun to wield a giant ax.”
Jerry Sklavounakis, Wheeling council member for Ward 4, also expressed his disappointment at not being selected. “I’m sure Bob will do a great job,” said Sklavounakis. “For now, I’ll just stick to banning the homeless and being generally out of touch with the lower classes.”
When asked for his opinion on the decision, mayor Glenn Elliott replied, “I didn’t vote for this. Have you heard I’m running for Senate?”
Executions will start in March, and will be held at the Waterfront in Wheeling.
“We picked this area to highlight the importance of ways to travel to our city by driving, riding a bike, a boat, or one of those new hip Bird Scooters,” said Elliott.
After parties will be held at TJs to honor our all mighty Bob Herron, the authority over all who are struggling.
